I got some sleep last night – Yay! And today is brighter…
Writing my letter to Dr. Oz (thank you Sister – for suggesting that I do it) clarified my plight – to myself. I’m so grateful for some clarity. Now I have hope again – that I can deal with my fear and get my life back. I was suddenly able to see the part that fear is playing in my health issues.
I recognize clearly that my fear is about death. My death. It’s also in some strange way about the people that I’ve lost in the last 5 years. I realize that I’ve never grieved them. I realized yesterday that thinking about them is so painful that I avoid even letting them into my mind. When they slip into my thoughts, I keep it at a very superficial level – and quickly change my thoughts to something else.
One of my doctors told me that she thought that these losses were having a part in my health issues and that she feels I have some grieving to do. I heard her say it, I listened, I went thru some motions of grieving but I didn’t really get the connection. Now I do.
I’m thinking about them today with joy and tears. I’m honoring them. I’m missing them deeply. I miss Dad and my three sisters at a whole new level. I’m remembering what I loved about them. I’m remembering fun, funny memories – one of the many times we sisters came from different directions and met for lunch and a few hours together. Our human pyramid picture. Our sisterhood reunions. Shucking corn for a dinner. Posing for pictures together. What I learned from each of them is such a part of who I am.
And my husband, Dale. We had such a rocky marriage and a deep unshakable love. Our friendship lasted thru a divorce until his death in 2007. He loved me. Completely. I loved him in the same way. We had a bond that neither of us knew how to break – or even wanted to. It wasn’t a consideration. I didn’t realize until after his death that he was the reason that I could never move on into a marriage with another man. Neither of us remarried. But we didn’t live together either. We were there for each other – right up to the last phone call the last day of January, hours before his assumed death. He lived by himself and when he didn’t return several phone calls, I was alarmed. When I didn’t hear from him on Valentines Day – a yearly gesture even after our divorce many years ago – I knew something was terribly wrong. I called the police who entered his home and found that he had passed – they estimated about two weeks earlier. I handled his estate per his wishes. I’ve avoided thoughts that he’s gone – always. Not today. Occasionally I’ve started to go there and recoiled as quickly as if I had touched a red hot wood stove! Today, I’m remembering him…so many things. There were very painful and difficult times in our lives but in many ways he was such a rock for me. I feel way too vulnerable without him in my world. I miss him terribly. So much love!
And Peter. My love. We were in each others’ lives for 7 years. Wow could he dance! He knew how to have fun. He was an old school Hispanic man and was such a character! My Latin Love…. He loved taking care of me – cleaned my home, cooked, pressed my clothes, was a lot of the reason that I was able to be very successful in my business. He took care of many things in my life that allowed me the time to focus. And did I mention fun! I’m remembering the Las Vegas evenings, all doors open to my outside living area. He loved cooking in the outdoor kitchen – for everyone, palm trees swaying, warm evenings, music playing and NO BUGS!!! We drank wine. We loved. We laughed. He was so incredibly handsome to me – his dark skin, hair – and bold, warm eyes. He was gallant and classy. He sang songs to me in Spanish – all of the time. He ended up battling major health issues for two years that led to his death. With such courage. He wrote love letters to me. I haven’t read them for a very long time – much too painful. But I’m going to re-read them as I can, starting today. Yes, of course there were difficult times too. But I grieved those at the time. Today I’m grieving and missing the sweetness, the love, that man. Towards the end of his life when he was on a respirator, he wrote “Sin Ti” on a piece of paper with x’s and o’s. I still have it tucked in with his love letters. He used to sing that song to me. I miss you so much, Peter! You made your mark in my life. Thank you!
And my sisters. I’m going to write about “The Sisterhood” in another post. I miss them so much. They were my three older sisters and my link to so much of my history. I wish I could have thought of more questions about how they remembered our lives before they left. There’s no one to answer those questions now. I know that they each knew how important they were in my life – no regrets there. I just miss them. It’s almost impossible to comprehend that they’re so gone! Today I’ll remember them…
I’ll remember them all. With so much love and gratitude! I had – and have – some very special people in my life – some great loves!
And maybe, if I grieve my loss of them, I won’t have to worry about losing myself? If I honor their lives, I can live mine – fully – without fear? If I accept and remember their lives – and deaths, will it help me accept my eventual great adventure? Without fear? Will it help me live my life without fear? hmm…
Is the doctor right?
Amidst the grief, I have my joy back today! I’m starting to let go
Oprahs Life Classes
Joy, Letting Go