What am I doing with my life?  I have a wonderful life but I’m not living my fullest life!  I can’t use the excuse of not knowing my purpose – I know clearly.

I have a deep need, in fact a passion to “create”.  A good part of my life I feel that I haven’t expressed myself – in many ways – that have been true to myself.   I haven’t listened to, and accepted myself.  I am constantly painting in my head, but have a difficult time getting myself to my easel.  This has been going on for years – literally years!  It’s a very real struggle for me.

Painting is one of my greatest joys and also a big old pain to me.  I have so many ideas in my head.  Why do I not just Do It!??!  I’m not sure.  I want to do a painting that makes a difference in the world but how will I ever accomplish that if I don’t paint it!!!

I don’t feel inspired.  I feel that I want to paint in a different style than what I’ve been doing, have it in my head but start feeling lost before I get it on the canvas.  A lot of times – many times – I am so excited about painting a particular idea that I can hardly wait to get started.  Sometimes I get started, sometimes not – but my motivation and inspiration fizzles quickly.  Sometimes I have an overwhelming rebellious response, sometimes anger, to my need to paint.  I don’t understand it at all.  I’ve journalled about it,  ignored it, painted thru it, and prayed…..

I’ve had reasonable success with my art – it was used for several years in Portland Street of Dreams homes, had my own shop that went quite well, I’ve sold many paintings – people seem to enjoy some of my work.   I am exhilerated while I’m painting and when I see the finished painting, I’m very let down and critical – painfully critical to the point that I get angry at myself for not translating what I have in my head.  I know that means practice, experimenting, enjoying my journey.  I know all of this in my head.

I’m beginning to think that maybe creating in my head is fulfilling in itself.  But I also know that if I were to lose my sight or hands that I’d really regret not having painted my ideas.

Bottom line…I feel that I’m wasting a gift that I’ve been given.

I need to get over myself!  Arrrrgggghh.

Is this that old “accepting myself” thing again……

I’ve developed a good walking habit – for my physical health.  It’s working well.   Today I  begin a “creating” habit for my soul.

Today I will stand in front of my canvas with brush in hand and just paint.